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2 minute read

Finally, belatedly, on day three of the fifth Test, the normal Ashes began: flat pitch, hot sun… how are you going to handle this? Australia handled it with bats in their hands. England handled it the way they’ve so often handled it in the past: with an endlessly rotating cast of right-arm fast-medium bowlers trending bleakly towards military-medium as the day wore on.

“How can the ball hurt you?” asked Brian Close, once upon a time. “It’s only on you for a second.”

It’s one of cricket’s great ridiculous quotes, but there’s a kernel of something in there all the same. Brevity brings a different brand of pain. How could the first Test defeat in Perth have hurt you, England fans? It didn’t even last two days. On a very basic level, England’s worst Ashes defeats have always been so much more than that.

We’ve railed against the notion that Perth was an all-timer. The second Test in Brisbane was worse, we argued, because that one was a more comprehensive failure.

It too wasn’t a classic though. With no Australia batter making a hundred, it lacked those long, hopeless sessions where there’s no end in sight. England had a fast bowler too. There was plenty of scope for things to be worse.

But now we’re here. We’ve made it. One opening bowler isn’t an opening bowler. The other hasn’t really played cricket since the summer. The fast bowlers are gone. The spin bowler is no such thing. Left hands are purely for the rubbing of temples after Travis Head has sent yet another short, wide one to the fence. It’s the Ashes we all know so well!

England have ended up looking a bit fast-medium.