Zak Crawley v Mitchell Starc: Crawley is due. But what is he due exactly? Another pair?

5 minute read

Zak Crawley. Every England fan’s favourite topic of conversation. You’ll miss him when he’s gone. And that might actually happen, you know. This Ashes series has become so pivotal for Crawley’s career that failure will most likely see him ejected for good; a long Test career definitively done and dusted, despite the fact he’s only the same age Andrew Strauss was when he made his Test debut.

It’s an odd fact, that. England invested in Crawley so early that there’s a decent chance they’ll conclude they’ve seen enough when he’s still only 27.

That’s young for a Test opener. In recent times, Mike Carberry, Nick Compton, Mark Stoneman, Jason Roy, Rory Burns and Alex Lees have all been older when they made their debuts. Dropping down another spot, so was Jonathan Trott.

But let’s quickly recap where we are with Crawley right now.

Crawling along

“I like it when great players miss out. It means statistically they’ll probably get some pretty soon.”

Justin Langer wasn’t talking about Crawley when he said that (the ‘great players’ part is probably the giveaway). He was talking about David Warner, four innings into the 2019 Ashes.

Warner’s next innings was his biggest and also worst of that series (seriously, an absolute horror show – you can read about it in our book). Despite Langer’s statistical certainty, he never did come good. Not even close. If Josh Hazlewood had made just one more run that summer, Warner would have finished with the lowest average of all the Australians.

Buy The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments – it’s an AMAZING book, seriously

The point is, you’re not due. No one is due. Certainly not someone with Zak Crawley’s track record.

Pacing himself

In large part, Crawley owes his presence in this Ashes series to a notion that he’s good against pace. 

Relatively speaking, this is true. But at the same time, he’s not that good against pace. You don’t need CricViz to tell you that an opening batter who averages 30 isn’t consistently seeing off the quick bowlers only to later founder on the rocks of spin bowling. Crawley’s pretty prone to foundering on pace rocks too.

If we think back to, ooh, let’s say the first Test, we can see that Crawley didn’t even see out the opening over, let alone the opening bowlers. The sunlit uplands of strong back foot play against a tiring attack seem meaninglessly distant in that context. 

It’s like fancying you’d be great at bando or harpastum, if only you could get over that trifling first hurdle. If you could just find a way to travel through time then nothing could stop you!

Not unrelated to this somewhat stymying dynamic is Mitchell Starc, a man who hits the ground running towards the slip cordon celebrating yet another early wicket. cricket.com.au has a page documenting Starc’s opening over successes – and it’s quite a long page.

It’s worth reminding yourself that Mitchell Starc really does have an awful lot going for him

If duck-hungry incompetentron Crawley can get through the first over from the sport’s most devastatingly reliable opening bowler, he could earn himself a shot at trying to also survive Australia’s other opening bowler and all of Starc’s other overs.

It’s possible – insofar as things that aren’t impossible must by definition be so – but you wouldn’t say it feels colossally likely. And how big a deal is it anyway? If he gets through that period, Crawley is a bit better against pace and bounce, but ‘a bit better’ than a Test average of 30 doesn’t exactly put him into world-beating territory. If we’re thinking positively and envisioning success, then we’re possibly still only looking at a player who’s barely worth a place in the side. 

You could go further and imagine things going extremely well, but a lot of people are going the opposite way. (Who knows, maybe the man himself is among them.) It’s always possible to argue a path to hope, but assessing Crawley’s Ashes prospects right now, further failure undeniably feels the safest of the bets on offer. 

Unfortunately, for England… that’s not really an option.

Who else?

From the tourists’ perspective, Crawley has to succeed because at this point there is nothing that can realistically be done; no change that can be made that doesn’t say, “Oh Christ, we’ve made a bit of a balls of this.”

Jacob Bethell would be a bold pick at number three, but an empty, desperate one as an opener. Shipping someone in from the Lions – Ben McKinney we’d guess – would be a bit more palatable, but how often do England Test debutants have a lovely time in Australia? 

Realistically, England are betting that Crawley might at some point get himself in and make the absolute most of it and basically win a match. That’s the investment they’ve been making these last few years, continuing to add to their position as his stock price has slumped and the dividends have dried up. 

That level of investment is what’s so fascinating about this. There’s so much at stake. Crawley isn’t just a weird marginal pick who may or may not work out – we’ve had plenty of those. He’s a weird marginal pick England have retained for years and years based on an argument that has gradually narrowed down to, “Actually, we’ve good reason to believe he could do well in this specific series.”

It’s surely not enormously helpful to his prospects that Crawley himself must be acutely aware of this.

How would people react to a terrible Ashes performance?

Large numbers of England supporters have been fiercely annoyed about Crawley’s selection for literally years already. As long ago as May 2023, we noted that his presence had already become a sufficiently big bone of contention that his name was consistently cropping up in a debate about England dropping their wicketkeeper.

He subsequently proved himself the greatest inside-edger in world cricket before delivering that oh-so-crucial and magnificent reputational salvage job at Old Trafford, the ripples of which still feel like his Test career’s chief mode of propulsion.

Perhaps most relevantly to this article, he also struck an incredibly rich vein of consistency against New Zealand’s Matt Henry, this time last year. No England opener has ever batted so many times in a single series and finished with a lower average. Strikingly – and in a way quite impressively – that average of 8.66 was almost a full run less than Warner in the 2019 Ashes.

Channelling Justin Langer after the series had finished, England’s assistant coach, Paul Collingwood, said that Crawley was, “ready to hurt someone.”

As we said at the time: it would be helpful if that someone were the opposition.

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The post Zak Crawley v Mitchell Starc: Crawley is due. But what is he due exactly? Another pair? first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. Pace and sustained pace – Mitchell Starc and Pat Cummins are half an attack
2. It’s worth reminding yourself that Mitchell Starc really does have an awful lot going for him
3. Two hat tricks in one match – has Mitchell Starc peaked too soon?

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A cat finally being won over to cricket by the sheer ridiculousness of the Ashes

< 1 minute read

If you’ve got a picture of an animal being conspicuously indifferent to cricket, please send it to king@kingcricket.co.uk.

A P Webster writes…

An Ashes series is often a time when those who have previously seemed indifferent to cricket, perhaps on multiple occasions – or maybe even exhibited active dislike for it in some forms – suddenly become interested in it.

And if there is some ridiculousness on offer, well, that can broaden the appeal (in the sense of ‘increase the range of those interested’ rather than in the sense of ‘make an appeal in the style of Stuart Broad’).

With that in mind, I thought I’d check in on my parents’ cat, Dusty, to see if he’d found any good bedtime reading recently.

The perfect Christmas gift for YOUR cat

Apparently.

If you’re thinking of getting The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments for anyone for Christmas – whether they’re feline, canine, leporine, asinine, procyonine (heck, perhaps even human) – then here are some places you may be able to get hold of it.

• Bookshop.org – available and dispatches immediately
• Amazon – a few in stock with more on the way
• TGJones/WHSmith – back in stock, but fewer than 10 available
• Awesome Books – back in stock, but only a handful available
• Blackwell’s – in stock, “usually dispatched within 2-3 weeks”
• Hive – back in stock, but fewer than 10 available

Sign up for the King Cricket email if you like cats and/or cricket.

The post A cat finally being won over to cricket by the sheer ridiculousness of the Ashes first appeared on King Cricket.

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2. Stanley being conspicuously indifferent to the Ashes
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Infuriating inconsistency is also Ben Stokes’ England team’s superpower, by the way

3 minute read

No team likes being called inconsistent, but inconsistency cuts both ways. In a scenario where you’ve lost a Test match inside two days, ‘consistent’ is absolutely the last thing you want to be. More two-day defeats? No, thank you. After the first Ashes Test, England can console themselves that they have rarely been accused of consistency.

There’s a school of thought that England were so bad in Perth that another 5-0 is on the way. That scoreline has undeniably become more likely, but probably only in the sense that they’re now 20 per cent of the way there. Having watched this team for a while, we aren’t inclined to draw too many firm conclusions from the nature of the defeat.

Two (days) to tango

To us, the great hue and cry about the result seems a bit overblown. Yes, England lost inside two days, but it takes two teams to deliver a Test that short. England were bowled out for 172 and 164 – which is pretty dreadful – but there was actually another team involved that got bowled out for 132.

As rapid as defeat was, it was way less bad than spending that same span of time fielding, which is how they’ve usually gone about losing Down Under.

So there have definitely been more worrying defeats. Plus there’s the fact that, more than most, this is a team capable of oscillating between the sublime and the ridiculous. Expecting them to be consistently awful honestly doesn’t make a great deal more sense than expecting them to be consistently good.

Back in 2022, England played like a big bag of mashed-up arseholes against South Africa at Lord’s. They got bowled out for 165 and 149 and lost by an innings. Next Test, Bens Stokes and Foakes put on 173 and they won by an innings. The one after that, they got bowled out for 158 but still won the match by nine wickets. More recently – admittedly on two very different pitches – they delivered team totals of 823-7 and 112 all out in the same series in Pakistan.

We wouldn’t have them down as a predictable side, which actually makes horrific defeats a lot less meaningful. Strange things can and do happen. Remember when Zak Crawley made 189 in an Ashes Test? Zak Crawley! Try to superimpose your form guide on that one.

Going for Brook

England’s idiosyncratic approach to risk-reward calculations quite often sees them fall flat on their arses, but the rewards they shoot for can often be sizeable.

In a match full of daft shots, Brook running down the pitch and trying to hit Scott Boland over extra cover was the daftest and the fact he middled it and got six runs doesn’t make it any less daft. 

Brook plays more daft shots than anyone. He is also England’s most consistently successful batter. 

Are we already watching peak Harry Brook?

That isn’t to say England should go further that way. It’s just emblematic of a wax-winged side who enjoy being at high altitude. 

In short

This England can do a lot, but sometimes it goes very, very wrong. 

It seems to us the first Test might therefore have been a rather different brand of ‘things going very, very wrong’ than the kind of ‘things going very, very wrong’ that has more usually afflicted England touring teams.

We wouldn’t want to make any predictions though…

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The post Infuriating inconsistency is also Ben Stokes’ England team’s superpower, by the way first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. Why aren’t the big teams embarrassed about losing to smaller teams?
2. Buttler, Bavuma and the big pain of big losses to big teams – with or without Ben
3. Which England all-rounder has the worst record as captain – Botham, Flintoff or Stokes?

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We’ve all got Ashes fever… but who will win? Here’s what Merseyside cricket’s great and good think…

The most eagerly awaited Ashes series since the last one is almost upon us – and the question on everyone’s lips is whether England have what it takes to win in Australia for the first time since 2010/11.

With the first Test due to start in Perth in the wee small hours, Merseyside Cricket Online surveyed a number of local cricket figures to get their predictions and thoughts ahead of the series.

What will be the score? Who will be the key players? Where will the series be won and lost? On condition of anonymity, they answered those questions and maybe more.

We’ve grouped them into three categories based on how patriotic/realistic they are. 

ASHES COMING HOME!!!!!!!

I’m going for 2-1 England. I think it’ll be something like 2005, there will be games, innings and spells that get spoken about for decades again. Fitness in the England team will be a huge factor, but Aussie pitches offer more for the ball now so that’ll help England’s injury worries. I think Steve Smith will score a shedload, Mark Wood will hit 99/100mph… and there will be some English retirements if England win.

Going patriotic this time and it’s our year. 4-0 England, with a washout draw. Root 100 in the first Test and leading scorer. Stokes player of the series for batting, bowling, fielding, captaincy. Archer leading wicket taker. Head to cop some stick, average 20 all series and throw his kit everywhere on at least one occasion. Innings win in Perth followed by them being four down early in Adelaide, and never recover from there. Too much pace, bounce and aggression with the bat for the Aussies. Come on England.

3-2 England. Brook to have a stormer.

I’m backing England to edge the series 3-2. Their pace attack with Wood and Archer could be the difference, and Joe Root plus Harry Brook should have strong series with the bat. Stokes’ leadership and England’s aggressive style might put Australia under real pressure. I think it’ll be won through England’s fast bowlers hitting hard early in each Test and setting the tone. Australia are always dangerous at home, but if England stay fit and stick to their positive approach, they’ve got a real chance.

3-1 England. Crawley to outscore expectation and have a massive innings (and hopefully more) in him. ⁠Root to correct his previous poor form in Australia and end up as leading run scorer. ⁠Fitness of Wood and Archer is key. If they stay fit, we will win. For Australia, Steve Smith needs to score big in what looks a fragile batting line up. I think England will have them a few for not many a few times and the middle and lower order will have to get them out of jail. ⁠Cummins and Hazelwood’s injuries will play massive part in the series. If they miss the first two, I think England will go 2-0 up.

3-1 England. I expect Root and Smith to score a lot of runs but I think the series will be won and lost depending on the form of others. Brook is a key player for England and if he can find form early he would give us a big chance; the same can be said for Labuschagne and Australia’s chances. If one of those two fire then they could swing it either way. The openers will be key as well, I’m backing Crawley and Duckett to outperform Khawaja and Weatherald. There are fewer question marks over the bowling for both sides, in my opinion. Both teams have great options even with a couple of injuries.

If England can keep this bowling attack fit, I think we’re favourites but I’m prepared to eat my words… Smith has to score runs for Australia, the rest of their batting is, on form, average. England have three or four lads who can and probably will share the runs, so there’s more pressure on the Aussie batters. 

I think England might win 3-2. Archer is the key player for us, if he stays fit! Stokes will do something unbelievable to win a game at some point. I’m not quite sure on the Australian team other than the standard view that Smith with be the key wicket.

They will need to win three Tests, which is a big ask. But it’s the first time I have really believed England can turn the Aussies over on their own patch. I think Duckett and Crawley will be the difference, if they can outscore Khawaja & whoever they partner him up with throughout the series, that will go a long way to securing victory. Key players are obviously Root and Brook, Smith and Head on the batting front. Bowling wise if Archer and Wood play three Tests each minimum, England will fancy their chances. The key is that England have managed to take five seamers who can bowl at 85+mph and rotating them efficiently will be key. It also helps that the Aussies are struggling with some injuries, so you would have to say England are favourites for the first Test.

England 3-1, Brook is going to fire, Alex Carey for Australia, won day four of the last Test with Stokes hitting the winning runs.

TOO CLOSE TO CALL/FENCE-SITTERS

The outcome will rely heavily on England winning the first test in Perth and the fitness of the Aussie quicks over five tests. My score prediction is 2-2; key players are Stokes with bat and ball, Travis Head and Nathan Lyon.

Very close, I think. 2-2 with one draw. I think England need to win at Perth, when Australia are missing Cummins and Hazlewood. Steve Smith is crucial for the Aussies and Wood and Archer vital for us. Our bowling against their batting is the key for me. 

I’m going for a 2-2 draw. I think England not having a proper spinner will be a factor later in the series, and I’d personally put Jacks ahead of Bashir as he can bat better. I think Root will finally get a Test ton Down Under and him and Archer will be the stand-out players for England. I think Harry Brook will flop. For Australia, I think Marnus Labuschagne will be the batter for them to watch but also Head will come in and be destructive.

2-2, with a New Year washout at the SCG. Joe Root to get his early Christmas present at the Adelaide Oval. Archer to be amazing in one Test and get injured. Jake Weatherald to announce himself on the world stage and Harry Brook to put his hat in the ring for “best in the world”.

I think 2-2 again! Think for England the two openers will be key to building a platform for the rest to do what they do. Australia are heavily reliant on that 3,4,5 of Marnus, Smith and Head for runs. There is still a little inexperience in England’s side Down Under – Duckett, Smith, Carse, Atkinson, Brook – but that may not be a bad thing!

Toughest series to call in a while so I’ll go straight down the middle and go 2-2 with a rain-off at Sydney or Melbourne. Key player for England is Joe Root and how long they can keep Jofra Archer and Mark Wood fit. Key player for Australia I think may actually be Nathan Lyon. With England having no quality spin option, the hosts could go down the spin-friendly pitch route. Travis Head is my pick for player of the series though. I think England need to win one of the first two or it will go really downhill really quickly. 

Let’s go for a 2-2 draw, Joe Root top run scorer for England, Head for Australia. Boland top wicket taker for Australia, Stokes for England.

2-2. Australia retain. Khawaja axed by the fourth Test. Root hundred at Adelaide. Wood and Archer both injured by fifth Test. Lyon leading wicket taker. Jamie Smith leading run scorer. Every test finished in four days unless it rains. Can’t wait.

Another moral victory: 2-2. With history against them, injuries to Australia’s quicks and the last three tests back-to-back, England have to be ahead after the first two tests to have a chance of winning. Who bowls the most overs out of Archer and Wood or Cummins and Hazlewood could well be a deciding factor. England have a chance, but having won four of their last 30 tests in Australia, I’d say then need everything to go right: Fast start, luck with injuries and one of Root and Brook to have an all-time series.

I’m going 2-2. Both teams are well matched. Could be that England get on top early on with Australia missing key bowlers, but I can see Australia coming back at Melbourne and Sydney when these players are back fit and firing. The sides are well matched I think but England have the edge in the all-rounder department whereas Australia have an obvious edge in spin bowling. For me though, the key player will be Harry Brook. He’s amazing and infuriating in equal measure! He can take England from the verge of defeat to the brink of a win in a single innings but then throw it away again by doing something brainless! I think this series could be career defining for him.

WE’RE (VARIOUS SHADES OF) DOOMED

Everyone who’s into cricket will have a cheeky prediction… I asked asked AI to make my life easier. 3-2, Australia to win the Ashes. Root to score his first ton in Australia; Steve Smith highest run scorer; Starc highest wicket taker; England to hit more sixes than Australia in the series.

4-1 to Australia. Australia’s key men will be Smith,Starc, Cummins, Marsh and Khawaja; England’s  Stokes, Brook, Root, Wood and Archer. The winner will be the team with the best bowling unit and who wins the most sessions.

3-2 to Australia. England’s key player will be Jofra Archer; Australia’s will be Nathan Lyon. Joe Root will have a good series, but it’ll be won and lost by the spinners.

Australia will win it 3-2. With Cummins and Hazlewood missing the first Test, England have a great chance to get off to a strong start. The two pace attacks are going to do serious damage to the respective batting line-ups over the five matches as I believe the wickets are more sporting than previously and the new Kookaburra ball is a lot more helpful for longer. Australia have the slight edge because they have a better spinner in Lyon. At some point, spin is going to be needed and their spinner is better than ours. And that is if England even play Bashir. I think Root will get that elusive ton Down Under, while the key players for the Aussies are Smith and Lyon. Cummins is key too if he can get fit. The match-up between the two wicketkeeper-batters will be fascinating to watch and could tip the balance if one has a great series with the bat. I really hope I am wrong but can see Australia edging it after a strong England start.

I think England have as good a chance as they have since 2010/2011. A lot rests on the fast bowlers for both sides and keeping the fit over the five games. I think Jamie Smith will do well with bat and gloves, while for Australia I think Mitchell Starc will produce some match-winning spells. I still think Australia will have too much for England and they will win 3-1. It could be 1-1 going into the fourth Test, at which point the Aussies and their fast bowling group will all be fit and firing on all cylinders to win them the last two tests. But I hope I’m wrong.

3-1 Australia, unfortunately… Good series incoming from Smith and Hazelwood for Australia and Smith and Carse for the visitors. England, if they’re to do well, need to win in Perth. I’m not sure England’s top five will get enough runs but I’m hoping I’m wrong.

2-1 Australia. Brook and Atkinson will be the big players for England; Labuschange and Lyon for Australia. It’ll be lost by England with the bat – Crawley is not good enough, nor is Pope – and having no good spinning option. Bashir is not good enough. Root will hit a ton and shut them up!

4-1 Australia. We might win the first for hope, or they’ll throw us the last. Root will get his ton down under and be England’s only shining light. Labuschagne will regain his best form and bat for two months. Stokes will play at least two Tests solely as a batter after aimlessly running himself into the ground and getting injured but the media will call him a warrior. At some point, an Aussie will get the headline “a debut to remember”. Probably a seamer after we celebrate their injuries. England will bring Bethell in on the brink of losing, he’ll do nothing.

Australia 3-2. The key players who could swing it are Labuschagne, Root and Archer. But Australia will win it due to more experience in those conditions if Cummins and Hazlewood play six Tests between them.

3-1 Australia. For England, Ben Duckett will have a really strong series in Australian conditions and will take the attack to the Australian bowlers. For Australia, Marnus Labuschagne is in incredible form scoring freely in the Sheffield Shield and seems to have worked out his issues. I think it will be the second wind of his career and he will be a real frustration to England. Jofra Archer, is the key to England winning this series, over the last few years the weakness for England has been their bowling and against this Australian side I think if England can get Archer firing and taking wickets and bowling sharp, he gives us the best chance to win the series. Nathan Lyon plays such an important role in this Australian side, keeping it tight and building pressure and I think the England attack are going to go at him to try and take that strength away from the Aussies. The first Test is crucial for England, no Hazlewood or Cummins is a huge blow for Australia and England simply have to capitalise on that.

I make that 10 England wins, 10 draws and 10 Australia wins… so overall we’re on the fence. As it should be. Now get that alarm clock set – and remember, sleep is for quitters.

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Ashes 1st Test preview: How fast is the pitch at Perth’s Optus Stadium? Who should be afraid? How ridiculous are England? Can Australia possibly counter them?

6 minute read

Somewhat unusually, this first Test of the 2025/26 Ashes is in Perth. There’ll therefore be much talk about Australia surrendering the supposed advantage of kicking things off at the ‘Gabbatoir’ in Brisbane. Australia have certainly won a lot of first Ashes Tests at the Gabba, but our personal feeling is that if they’d instead played those matches at the Alf O’Rourke Oval in Biloela then the main difference would be that the Alf O’Rourke Oval would now be considered a fortress.

Nevertheless, it’s noteworthy that the venues for the first three Tests of this Ashes series are the three bounciest pitches in the world. The Gabba – where England have played first Tests in recent decades – is in fact the bounciest, but Optus Stadium isn’t far behind. The new Perth ground has taken on the Waca’s fearsome reputation, and you know what? Fair enough. The stats suggest it’s about as quick.

So…

BRACE

FOR

PACE!

Except the ground’s hosted five Tests and do you know who’s been the most successful bowler?

Nathan Lyon.

Nathan bloody Lyon.

It’s not like fast bowlers can’t also be successful – Mitchell Starc’s taken 26 wickets at 21.61 – but yeah, Lyon’s taken 29 at 20.86.

We’d pick a spinner. But it’d be weird if we didn’t think that. It is after all our official editorial position on the matter.

But it’s not just Lyon. Fast-medium bowlers can succeed too. Tim Southee took 4-93 and 5-69 when he played here, for example.

Everyone thinks bouncy pitches help fast bowlers because they make them seem EVEN FASTER, but sometimes Pace + Bounce = Missing The Stumps.

We’re not against England playing their quickest bowlers – pace is an attribute and they’re also bowlers we love – but we do tend to think that a varied attack can often prove more dangerous than a fast one, especially when a pitch is otherwise pretty flat. And bouncy as it is, the Optus Stadium pitch really is pretty flat in the first innings, when batters have so far averaged 44.93. (Tosswatch: the batters in the teams batting second have only managed 22.14.)

Sticking with batting, it’s interesting to note that Marnus Labuschagne is the top scorer at the Optus. He appears to be returning to form this season and there’s worse places for him to exploit that than a ground where he’s hit three hundreds in four Tests – one of which was a double. Steve Smith has made a double hundred here too, but we’re not sure that really qualifies as newsworthy.

The big question is of course whether Perth can bring the same level of ridiculousness as Brisbane. On this, we’re quietly confident. 

How ridiculous are England?

Key to our confidence is a touring team capable of fresh flavours of on field mayhem, but which nevertheless retains the ability to serve up classic, tried and tested England nonsense, like obviously wrong team selection and horrific batting collapses.

You want a pair of openers to put on 200 before lunch on the first day? Zak Crawley and Ben Duckett could conceivably do it. The fact it’s infinitely more likely that Crawley will be bowled through the gate in the first over doesn’t alter the fact that these two are more likely to achieve the 200 feat than probably any other opening partnership in the history of the game.

The vast sprawling expanse between those two possibilities is what makes this team such a powerhouse of ridiculousness because a similar scope of possibilities can be seen throughout the team.

Mark Wood and Jofra Archer might bring a fire and a fury rarely seen from touring England attacks, or they might both find brand new ligaments to tear before they’ve got through even a single over. 

Mark’s wood: Talking joinery and timber with England’s fastest bowler

Gus Atkinson is the quiet one, but a quiet one averaging 22 in Test cricket, who has also, by the way, hit a century from number eight. 

Wicketkeeper Jamie Smith is similarly a great deal sillier than first appearances might suggest. The man can engage the long handle with the best of them, but Australia isn’t often kind to England keepers, so there’s also every chance he’ll crash and burn like a paper aeroplane thrown over an active volcano. 

Then there are the Yorkshiremen.

Statistically speaking, Harry Brook is almost twice as good as some of his colleagues in this team – colleagues who have become long-term ever-presents – yet his consistency has somehow been built on a method where preservation of his wicket is at best an afterthought.

Are we already watching peak Harry Brook?

Joe Root is not obviously ridiculous, but he is walking into an unavoidably ridiculous situation as England’s finest batter of modern times but famously without a century in Australia. Plus, don’t forget he might end up as England’s frontline spinner.

Presiding over all this is Ben Stokes.

How ridiculous are Australia?

Pat Cummins’ absence is a big one. Australia’s captain may not have written the book about ridiculousness in Ashes series, but he did contribute the foreword.

The absence of Cummins and the far less ridiculous Josh Hazlewood does allow for new faces though and this is an overly-familiar team that can only benefit from that.

Scott Boland isn’t exactly new, but his five Tests against England have been positively awash with absurdity. In three Tests at home, he has taken 18 wickets at 9.55, including that comical return of six wickets for seven runs on his debut. Conversely, in two Tests in England, he has taken two wickets at 115.50.

We know nothing of Brendan Doggett, other than that his father, FBI Special Agent John Doggett, must be proud as punch that he’ll be making his Test debut.

They’ll join proven purveyor of top flight nonsense, Mitchell Starc, who kicked off the last series Down Under pretty damn strongly; first-rate runner-outerer, Nathan Lyon; and promising up-and-comer Cameron Green, who can be silly simply by standing at gully, hoovering in cricket balls like some gigantic teddy bear with its own gravitational field (but who also bats and bowls for good measure). Even more ridiculously, Green isn’t even Australia’s biggest all-rounder. At 2m, Beau Webster isn’t permitted to take certain routes because of low bridges.

Elsewhere in the line-up, Jake Weatherald brings the promise of the unknown – not to mention the fact he’s set to become Usman Khawaja’s seventh opening partner in Australia’s last 16 Tests. For his part, Khawaja gets points for being an admirably singular individual; a man who told Justin Langer his team were afraid of him and who then drew bonkers criticism from the same man for batting in a sweater.

If Australia decides to ditch either of those two, we heard talk this morning that the selectors are encouraging Mitch Marsh to become a top order batter with a view to maybe picking him later in the series. Wonderful stuff. More gigantic all-rounders please.

But not too many. Don’t squeeze anyone out of the middle-order. Travis Head is the least showy attacking batter in the world, while Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne are the two weirdest weirdos to ever devote every single waking thought to cricket.

In praise of the matter-of-fact dynamism of Travis Head

If you listen to the ongoing series of The Ridiculous Ashes podcast, you’re going to hear an awful lot about Smith, while Labuschagne is congenitally incapable of doing anything normally – not even making a cheese toastie.

UK TV coverage: The first Ashes Test starts in the early hours of Friday morning – 2.20am to be precise. Live coverage is on TNT Sports, which you can access via the Discovery+ app. Highlights will be available on the BBC’s iPlayer from about 5pm each day – although we’re slightly nervous that they haven’t actually said how long those highlights will be.

Follow the Ashes with King Cricket

• Sign up for our email and we’ll send you everything we write – don’t worry, it won’t be loads.
• Please back us on Patreon because we don’t run ads on the site any more.
• Buy our Ashes book – if not for yourself, then for someone else for Christmas. It is a very, very good Christmas present – even from an unbiased point of view.

The post Ashes 1st Test preview: How fast is the pitch at Perth’s Optus Stadium? Who should be afraid? How ridiculous are England? Can Australia possibly counter them? first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. The 2019 Ridiculous Ashes was a great Ridiculous Ashes, the 2019 Ridiculous Ashes was a ridiculous Ridiculous Ashes
2. Old Trafford Test pitch preview with Private Hudson
3. The ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous third Test

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A cricket book alongside Australia’s most ridiculous Ashes captain (statue)

2 minute read

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Please consider putting the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. We like those ones.

Co-author, Dan Liebke, sent us a photo of our book The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments next to a statue of Steve Waugh (left).

We did put it to Dan that this isn’t perhaps the most unusual place, given the book is somewhat associated with Australia captains anyway, what with having the name of one on the cover and all. 

At the same time, statues cannot read, and even if they could, this one seems otherwise engaged celebrating a century, so we suppose it’s pretty unusual for a book to be somewhere in the mix – even a book in which Waugh himself features quite a few times.

We were briefly going to make the case that this next photo shows a more unusual place because the vast majority of our writing has been digital up until recently and so having it on paper, in a book shop in Melbourne, qualifies as very much out of the ordinary in our eyes.

But by the exact same rationale, our writing has never before been on paper next to a statue of Steve Waugh, so maybe Dan’s right.

We had Waugh down as Australia’s most ridiculous captain of the last 50 years in a recent episode of our podcast. We should probably mention that the next series of The Ridiculous Ashes, covering 2019, has just started. We’ll tell you about that properly at some point, when we can find the time.

For now, please buy The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments and then photograph it somewhere weird.

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Near-daily stock update

• Bookshop.org – available, says it usually dispatches within three weeks
• Amazon – in stock
• TGJones/WHSmith – out of stock
• Awesome Books – out of stock
• Blackwell’s – in stock, “usually dispatched within 2-3 weeks”
• Hive – out of stock

The post A cricket book alongside Australia’s most ridiculous Ashes captain (statue) first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. The 52nd most ridiculous Ashes moment: Mark Waugh replaces Steve Waugh
2. England’s and Australia’s top three most ridiculous Ashes captains
3. The 2019 Ridiculous Ashes was a great Ridiculous Ashes, the 2019 Ridiculous Ashes was a ridiculous Ridiculous Ashes

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Jasprit Bumrah v four spinners, Bangladesh v Ireland, papal seal, Ashes filtration | Mop-up of the day

2 minute read

There’s a lot of focus on Test cricket that’s going to happen, but elsewhere in the world Test cricket is actually already underway (or has recently finished).

India v South Africa

Over in Kolkata, a pretty big match: the reigning world Test champions versus the sport’s biggest nation at one of the greatest grounds: Eden Gardens.

South Africa captain Temba Bavuma won the toss, surveyed an India team containing no fewer than four spinners and quite understandably chose to bat. His openers duly put on a half century partnership, at which point Jasprit Bumrah took 5-27.

Is there a clearer measure of the supreme brilliance of Lord Megachief of Gold than taking five for spit on a four-spinner pitch? Such a silly cricketer. Sillier than Camelot.

Bangladesh v Ireland

It’s always newsworthy when Ireland get to play a Test match. Unfortunately, they found both wickets and runs hard to come by in Sylhet. They lost by an innings.

“Bangladesh were just better than us in every aspect of the game,” was the assessment of captain Andrew Balbirnie.

He reckons they need to play as much as possible in these sorts of unfamiliar conditions – which is good news because the second Test starts on Wednesday.

Papal seal

Ollie Pope was probably England’s number three anyway. Despite Marcus Trescothick’s bizarre evasion, this was then all but confirmed by his selection in the ‘England’ team for this weird warm-up match. Jacob Bethell making 2 for the Lions pretty much sealed it.

So why did Pope – a man who already has a track record of pissing away his run-scoring early in a series – then go and needlessly fritter away a hundred runs he could have deployed at some other time? You damn fool, Ollie! You’re no longer due!

Ashes filtration

We were very kindly invited onto the Cricket Unfiltered podcast earlier this week to talk about our book. We talked about plenty of other stuff too, obviously. Not wildly different stuff, admittedly. Pretty much all we talked about was the Ashes, and our book is, after all, about the Ashes. It was different Ashes stuff though. Future Ashes.

If you want to have a listen, you can find the episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and doubtless a bunch of other places.

Where is The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments for sale again?

Here’s your daily stock update.

• Bookshop.org – available, says it usually dispatches within three weeks, seems to be quicker
• Amazon – 15 copies in stock with more supposedly on the way
• TGJones/WHSmith – out of stock
• Awesome Books – out of stock
• Blackwell’s – in stock, “usually dispatched within 2-3 weeks”
• Hive – out of stock

The post Jasprit Bumrah v four spinners, Bangladesh v Ireland, papal seal, Ashes filtration | Mop-up of the day first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. England v Ireland – how should we feel?
2. ‘Enough’ runs from Virat Kohli for India, Jasprit Bumrah the ventriloquist, South Africa’s theoretical snowball + more from the T20 World Cup final
3. England should play one Test against Ireland every year

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Joe Root’s efforts definitively prove that England do/don’t need a spinner for the first Ashes Test

2 minute read

“I hear you’re England’s spin bowler now, Joe. How did you get interested in that type of thing? Should we all be England’s spin bowler now? What’s the official line?“

England’s perfunctory ‘tour match’ against England Lions is underway and all is becoming clearer, team selection-wise.

Ollie Pope appears to have been deemed “the same sort of number three” as Ollie Pope and there also seems to be a plan to pack the bowling attack with right-arm seam bowlers, because historically that’s always worked out brilliantly in Australia.

On day one of England v England Lions, the England bowling attack comprised Jofra Archer, Gus Atkinson, Ben Stokes, Mark Wood and Josh Tongue. Shoaib Bashir just about scraped into the Lions XIII.

Shamefully, when we pondered England’s first-choice Ashes bowling attack a few months ago, we didn’t actually consider this eventuality. We assumed Bashir would play in a Stokes-led side, but that he’d make way for Will Jacks and a quick bowler when Stokes sustains his next injury.

Harry Brook’s Ashes all-rounder isn’t as good as Ben Stokes’s – but his fast bowling attack might be better

When it comes to right-arm seam bowlers, we apparently erred on the side of the Tony Hayers view that there are too many of them, whereas England are more inclined to the Alan Partridge perspective: People like them. Let’s have some more of them.

But what does this mean for spin? In both red and white ball cricket, England have shown an appetite for a composite spin bowler. Without Stokes, they’ve tended to add Will Jacks as half a spinner and made up the rest with Joe Root, Jacob Bethell, or both.

But this warm-up match version of the England XI has no Jacks. Or Bethell. Which means Root becomes the sole spinner.

In keeping with the team’s recent history of muddling through with no proper spinner, this is so far going absolutely bloody atrociously. Root conceded 117 runs in just 14 overs and the one wicket he picked up was Matt Fisher.

We look forward to this being put forward as firm evidence of the pointlessness of spin in Australia.

Our first Test player of the match prediction: Nathan Lyon.

Follow the Ashes with King Cricket: get the email.

Revisit previous Ashes with us: buy our book.

As we keep saying, book retail logistics are just an absolute mystery to us. This is the state of play at the time of writing:

• Bookshop.org – says it usually dispatches within three weeks, but someone told us yesterday that it in fact arrived within just a few days
• Amazon – in stock again with sensible delivery times
• TGJones/WHSmith – still out of stock
• Awesome Books – in stock, but a couple of weeks for delivery
• Blackwell’s – in stock, but delivery times downgraded to “usually dispatched within 2-3 weeks”
• Hive – out of stock

The post Joe Root’s efforts definitively prove that England do/don’t need a spinner for the first Ashes Test first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. Chris Woakes with the old ball, Mark Wood for his third Test in three weeks – dissecting England’s latest omission of a spinner for a day/night Test match
2. Harry Brook’s Ashes all-rounder isn’t as good as Ben Stokes’s – but his fast bowling attack might be better
3. Second chances, Average Joe and “the same sort of number three” | Ashes Nonsense Watch – Part 2

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Second chances, Average Joe and “the same sort of number three” | Ashes Nonsense Watch – Part 2

3 minute read

A few more weeks of England players walking through airports and we’ll have a full XI of new nicknames. After kicking off with Cocky Captain Complainer last week, the West Australian has now seen fit to greet Joe Root by renaming him ‘Average Joe’ because his record in Australia is a bit mediocre.

The West Australian’s really enjoying itself this week. A day after Cocky Captain Complainer, Stokes was again on the front page. This time he attracted the headline SITTING DUCK after ill-advisedly sitting down for a moment when there was a West Australian photographer in the vicinity.

The standfirst for that story – “England captain cuts a lonely figure at first Ashes net session in Perth with most of his arrogant teammates not even bothering to turn up yet” – somewhat reminded us of that timeless classic, “Disgraced Smith a sad sight drinking alone in New York.”

For what it’s worth, Root – the second-highest scorer in Test history – averages 35.68 from 14 Tests in Australia, which is a fair bit down on his career average of 51.29.

The magic number

We’re back to talking about Ollie Pope or Jacob Bethell again, apparently. Asked which of them would bat at number three in the warm-up match, Marcus Trescothick went with: “I’m presuming the same sort of number three we’ve had for a period of time.”

Fantastic evasion from Tres. Not “Ollie Pope” not “probably Ollie Pope” not “I don’t know actually, no-one’s told me” but “the same sort of number three we’ve had for a period of time”.

Who qualifies for that category? Pope for definite, but does Bethell fit the description too? Is he “the same sort of number of three” in that he is a man who has previously batted at number three for England, just as Pope has?

England v England Lions at Lilac Hill on Thursday may bring an answer.

Someone send Usman Khawaja the rules of this game

Poor Usman Khawaja, still forlorning labouring through a life for which he is so ill-equipped. The Ashes is no place for a man so burdened by measured logic and common decency.

Invited to comment on the possibility that one of the angry Lord’s members who abused him in the Long Room in 2023 might have his life ban overturned, Khawaja said he was a man who didn’t hold grudges and that he was all for second chances.

“If these guys have learned from their mistakes and they’re never going to spray players as they’re walking off the field 30 centimetres from their face, that’s fine.”

Review: The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments

Some bloke called Ian Louis Harris has written what you might call a first impressions review of our book, The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments. He doesn’t seem to hate it. You can read it here.

Sounds like we might have won young Ian over. Here’s hoping he becomes a regular commenter on and contributor to this website.

Places where you may or may not be able to buy The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments

It’s been a bit of an education monitoring the stock levels and lead times at various places this last week or so. We think at this point retailers are reliant on finding wholesalers who still have copies. It honestly doesn’t seem like there are many left of this batch.

• Bookshop.org – says it usually dispatches within three weeks, which sounds like it’s out of stock but they’ve managed to order some (that’s just our reading of the situation)
• Amazon – 1 copy left (more on the way, but it doesn’t say when)
• TGJones/WHSmith – still out of stock
• Awesome Books – in stock again!
• Blackwell’s – in stock, usually dispatched within 7 days
• Hive – out of stock, but we’ll include a link on the offchance they track down some more

The post Second chances, Average Joe and “the same sort of number three” | Ashes Nonsense Watch – Part 2 first appeared on King Cricket.

Related posts:

1. “Cocky Captain Complainer” and inadvisable fart-retention – Ashes Nonsense Watch | Part 1
2. The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments is definitely out now – you should buy it for someone! (Possibly yourself)
3. Australia’s Ashes team can sort themselves out

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